In "How to Win Friends and Influence People" Dale Carnegie discusses the fundamental ways to improve virtually any situation you are in that involves other people. The psychology behind his writing is fascinating, and when applied, really works.
Do not criticize, condemn, or complain
Al Capone, Chicago's most sinister gang leader, once said about himself, "I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man."
Lewis Lawes, warden of New York's infamous Sing Sing Prison for many years, said...
"Few criminals ever regard themselves as bad men. They are just as human as everyone else. So they rationalize, explain, they can tell you why they had to crack a safe or pull the trigger. Most of them attempt by a form of fallicious or logical reasoning, to justify their anti-social acts even to themselves."
Carnegie points out that if hardened criminals don't blame themselves for anything, why would the ordinary people you and I come into contact with ever think they do anything wrong?
Cause everyone in prison is innocent. Those effing gloves DID fit! (haha)
Criticism of another person is futile, because it puts a person on the defensive and makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person's pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
And most often, the situation or person we are criticizing doesn't change, but resents us instead. The truth is, we are all human. We're not robots that can program ourselves to go against what is imbedded inside us, and most people walking around have never given any thought to making themselves better. Which means a large percentage of the population does things without giving a second thought to why they shouldn't, or how it affects the people around them. Scary thought.
I remember being at a softball game once next to a mother putting coke in her toddler's bottle. Another mother next to me went on a rant for five minutes about how wrong this other mother was, and how she'd like to just "give her a piece of my mind!" I'm not perfect, but I knew coke bottle mommy was not going to stop and reconsider, but get very defensive about someone criticizing her parenting skills, verbally attack, and continue to put coke in her toddler's bottle.
Raise your hand if you think other people value your opinion as much as you value your opinion?
Nope. They have a readily available list of 101 reasons why their behavior is justified and another 51 reasons why you are the one who has issues. Ever noticed, too, that when you criticize someone, YOU are the one who ends up being ridiculed? I always ask myself before I open my mouth, did me criticizing change the situation? No. And does their choice affect my life either way? No. And did I feel better afterwards? No.We justify, and usually retaliate when criticized in the wrong manner. And we spend so much energy focusing on explaining ourselves, we don't have any left to look at the issue which was brought to light.
Carnegie says that instead of condemning people, we should try to understand them. Try to figure out why they do the things they do. Understanding instead of condemning breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.
Have you ever made a list of your emotional triggers and then made an attempt to avoid them rather than subject yourself and get upset?
It's easy to be judgemental, critical, and negative, and it takes work to remove yourself from a situation and try to understand. We typically judge that which we do not understand...but we grow from learning from those different than us. Agreeing and understanding do not have to be the same.
It's a learned behavior that we all fail at sometimes. Get up, and try again.
"Any fool can criticize, condemn, or complain, and most fools do."
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