I have been single four years. In that time, I've had a couple of meaningful relationships, lots of fun short-lived flings, first dates, bad dates, and many first dates that WERE bad dates. We have already covered all the reasons I love being single, but someday I hope to find to find my twisted fairy tale.
Meanwhile, I have compliled a pretty good mental checklist of what I like and hate about men; what I cannot live without; and areas I am willing to compromise.
But to be fair, before I one day blog about this perfect-for-me man, I'll tell you why it's just almost impossible to date me.
(Did I mention the rewards far outweigh this list?)
12. I eat really healthy most days, and I enjoy forcing my love of healthy food on the people around me. "Come on just taste it, I promise it's really good!" My house is void of chips, soda, a way to fry anything...our butter is fake spray, syrup and jelly is sugar free, and there are no salt shakers allowed. You will not be cooking bacon on my stove. Ever. Ew.
11. I bounce off the walls like a ping pong ball, and I want the man in my life to hop along with me. Sometimes I enjoy laying in bed watching movies all day, but most of the time I thrive on being busy, active, and productive. I seem to operate better at high speed, and if you move too slow I won't wait.
10. I am a big playful kid at heart, so my life involves a LOT of kid stuff. Swinging on monkey bars, playing soccer, making my dream house out of play-doh, playing go-fish, finger painting the kitchen floor, slumber parties, fashion shows, swimming pool in the summer, zoo in hot weather. If you don't like kids, you will not like me. And I'll wipe my sticky hands all over your face to make sure.
9. I won't have much time for you, unless you can incorporate into my life somehow. I am a mommy to two very active little girls. I am involved in their school, have a full-time job, train three nights per week at the gym, and I work out like a nut. Someone who demands too much of me or needs me to feel complete...feels like a noose around my neck. *gasp*
8. I am a neat freak and always cleaning. I don't care that I have two kids who mess it up as soon as I clean it, I like to clean up after we are done making the mess. I was a slob for a long time and I like being clean a heck of a lot better. This will never change.
7. I have literally the worst PMS a man has ever seen. Three days before Eve ate the apple, I grow horns and try to destroy anything in my path. I will cry over something ridiculous, act like chicken little when the sky was falling, and I'll inevitably be upset over something idiotic. I'm working on it, but until I get my insides removed, pay attention to the calendar and stay out.of.my.way for three days.
6. I am a social butterfly, slightly flirtacious, and you'll get sick of running into people I know.
5. I absolutely cannot stand anyone touching me while I am cooking. The man and woman hugging and dry humping through the clothes while she's holding a spatula and wearing her apron? Yeah, that crap only happens in the movies. Trust me.
4. I change my haircolor constantly. Some men wish I'd pick one and stick with it, and others feel like they're dating a new woman every month.
3. There are times when I talk so much I get sick of my own voice. Especially during movies and football games. I literally have to remind myself to take a breath before I pass out.
2. Being a personal trainer, I will talk fitness, demonstrate new exercises I have learned on you, brag on clients, and flex my muscles so much I want to tell myself to shut up. And because I know how great being in shape feels, I have a tendency to think a man is a wimp if he doesn't work out. Especially if his biceps are smaller than mine or I can outrun him. (Which, seriously, I usually can.)
1. I will almost always end up better friends with his friends than he is. And when we break up, I keep the friendships.
P.S. I conveniently forgot to mention I am a pugilist. Which means I like to hit people. And if you hit me back, I pout.
Disclaimer: Because I am a woman, I reserve the right to change my mind about anything, anywhere, anytime. Including everything I have ever written, just wrote, or might write in the future
2 comments:
Girl you and I are A LOT alike. I spent way too much time being flexible to a man's life when I was in my early 20's. Now, for years, I know what I want out of my life and if you want me you better figure out a way to fit in it and that's a hard task!
I was hard to date because I fart alot. Then I found Bunny who farts more than me.
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